I always tried to think the best, but one can never help but let the insecurity slip in. She never intended to go out with me at all. I was too fat, too insecure... too white. She probably liked those surfer guys that always seemed to be around. She could never like me.
Yet what then was I to think about Maui Community College? We were both students there. I was undecided as to what I wanted to study, but she was a fashion design major. She knew what she wanted to do. I remember days I would walk past those classrooms to the instructor provided office that I worked in on campus. I would bump into her on occasion... coincidentally of course. Usually she was practicing her guitar. She was pretty bad, but she had just started. I'd pick a spot on the grass where I could look up at her, and watch the sunlight stream through her hair... Even now, all these years later, the thought of her smile can warm my heart. I can hear her laugh, from somewhere. Just those brief encounters could turn my darkest day bright. She would never end them... even if she was late for class. I would always initiate the goodbyes. Always.
If she never intended to go out with me and know me more, why not just end those encounters. Countless others had. Why wouldn't she? Did she want to care? Did she want let me in? I would never get the answers to those questions. Now, 12 years later out of the blue, with no thought of my Big Island Nicole in between, the thought consumes me... A lost chapter of our lives we never got the chance to write... Why now, out of the blue, am I led on to wonder could have been? Further more, with the life I have, why do I care?
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