Hawaii

Hawaii is one of those places that just seeps into your heart. You can not live there for any amount of time and not feel connected to the land and the people. I really do miss it. I feel like I left a part of me on Maui and that I can only recover it if I return. Returning to Maui tough, that would mean a huge change in my life. I would either have to take a chance on a job that may or may not pan out, or graduate and make a bunch of money. I still have connections there so I could return if I really wanted to.

I guess I would need to know how my family would react to that. Would my mother be able to stand being alone in the city without any kids or grandkids around? Would my wife be able to handle a move half way across the world again? Would my kids be better or worse off? There would be a lot to weigh out. Moreso, I guess I would need to know that IF I crossed paths with my Big Island hottie from all those years ago, would I be strong enough to resist the urge to just wonder what it could have been.

Our souls danced a couple of times. It was like they were connected. My Big Island Nicole and I connected in a way I never have with anyone else. This waiting and wondering really just makes me insane. Am I imagining things, or did they really happen? Am I exaggerating the depth of the attraction I had to her and the seeming way we connected, or is it all true? Twelve years and counting... Do you even remember that I exist?

Alcohol

Funny thing is, right now I can not even count how much I have had to drink. I make it a habit to pour the wine at the half way mark so that I never count empty glasses. Bottles disappear as soon as they are emptied so that I never have to count them either. I like wine.

Twelve years ago, my drink of choice was Bacardi 151 and Coke... Tall with a 4 shots of 151 and the rest Coke. As I would sit there chatting with whomever I was at Hapas with and of course Nicole when she came by that is what I would be sipping on. Cherry Coke and 151... well that is what I would have liked to be sipping on. On nights when I would sit at the bar and talk with Ray, that is exactly what I would get. With Nicole though... Different story.

She did not like guys who drank. The drinks would get weaker as the night went on, and by the third or fourth drink the 151 had been replaced with extra cherries and syrup. She kept me from completely destroying my body at 21. Secretly I appreciated that. I could sit and "drink" for hours, listen to good music and keep good company and not get drunk. It also allowed me to consciously and coherently flirt with her. I think she secretly enjoyed that. 

I know I can never go back and rewrite this chapter in my life, but I would love to know what happened to her. Did her life ever turn around, and is she happy? Does she have children and is she happy? Did I mention I like wine... I never count the bottles... or glasses.... looses all fun that way.

Can you miss someone you did not love?

Is it Possible?

Is it possible to miss someone you did not love?

I am just curious as to what your thoughts may be? I can remember conversations that I had with Nicole 12 years ago like they were yesterday, yet not remember conversations I have had with my best friend since kindergarten a mere 3 years ago. For a rational mind like my own it is impossible to comprehend. My best friend and I share experiences, yet Nicole was my polar opposite. For that matter, she was the polar opposite of the woman I chose to marry...

Is it possible to miss someone you did not love?

After 12 years of feeling complete, there is an emptiness in my heart now that I remember. It is like a piece of my soul was ripped away, as if my heart is missing a piece of what could have made it whole. For a rational mind like mine  this is torture... 12 years of feeling complete,  now there is an emptiness in my soul I have never felt...

Is it possible to miss someone you did not love?

Why does the mind choose to remember chance encounters with someone 12 years ago? Why does the void move in and deprive one of something that was once whole?

Is it possible to miss someone you did not love?

Who are you to torture me like this? You never called...
Who are you to torture me like this? I lose sleep over you?
I was off and running and happy, now that is stalled...
All over you...

Is it possible to miss someone you did not love?

A lost chapter

I always tried to think the best, but one can never help but let the insecurity slip in. She never intended to go out with me at all. I was too fat, too insecure... too white. She probably liked those surfer guys that always seemed to be around. She could never like me.

Yet what then was I to think about Maui Community College? We were both students there. I was undecided as to what I wanted to study, but she was a fashion design major. She knew what she wanted to do. I remember days I would walk past those classrooms to the instructor provided office that I worked in on campus. I would bump into her on occasion... coincidentally of course. Usually she was practicing her guitar. She was pretty bad, but she had just started. I'd pick a spot on the grass where I could look up at her, and watch the sunlight stream through her hair... Even now, all these years later, the thought of her smile can warm my heart. I can hear her laugh, from somewhere. Just those brief encounters could turn my darkest day bright. She would never end them... even if she was late for class. I would always initiate the goodbyes. Always.

If she never intended to go out with me and know me more, why not just end those encounters. Countless others had. Why wouldn't she? Did she want to care? Did she want let me in? I would never get the answers to those questions. Now, 12 years later out of the blue, with no thought of my Big Island Nicole in between, the thought consumes me... A lost chapter of our lives we never got the chance to write... Why now, out of the blue, am I led on to wonder could have been? Further more, with the life I have, why do I care?

Big Island Nicole

I was 22 she was 18 or maybe 19. She was gorgeous, hapa girl... Just a Hawaiian mutt of a mix, but she definetely got the good of all the ethnicities she could claim... dark curly hair, toned legs and a petite little body... and a smile and eyes that just beamed a lively hood she really enjoyed, and a personality that matched. I met her where she worked, a local brew haus called Hapa's, through my room mate at the time Nick. Anytime I went there, usually Mondays to listen to Willie K I looked to sit in her section. She knew I would be there. We could talk, to the annoyance of her other customers, about anything and normally we did. She was spoken for though... She dated guys who would never appreciate her...

And so it went on like that for 6 or 8 months. We would laugh and talk and then finally my chance came. A friend of hers told me she had broken it off with her boyfriend a few weeks before and she really wanted a guy who appreciated her. She hinted, more like slapped my dumb Italian ass across the head with a 2 x4, that if I asked, my Big Island Nicole would give me her number and let me take her out. So, towards last call I asked and I got the number...

Not wanting to seem overly eager, my dumbass waited a few days before I called her. No answer, just her voice on a voicemail. I left my message and my number and waited. Two weeks later, I bumped into her room mate and best friend. Something had happened and Nicole had to return to the Big Island. She hoped to be back soon, but was unsure when that would be.

So I waited. Months passed and before I knew it a year had gone by. She still had not returned. Willie K never sounded the same to me again. To this day, 12 years later, there was a sadness I could not explain when I would hear him play, or listen to his albums. It was the memory of my Big Island Nicole that made him a sad memory of Maui for me... At least now I know why.